papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
You Might Also Like
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”