Me trying to look natural in photos
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
ME (calling my horse with no name):
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO