I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me if I was a dog
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*