“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
You Might Also Like
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.