To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
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WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
boat question
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.