My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
when you are just born a rebel
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there