oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
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I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
But wait…
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.