Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
You Might Also Like
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.