Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.