I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
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my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
every single time
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*