I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.