WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
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My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.