That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
You Might Also Like
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.