tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?