Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Siri, fight Alexa.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.