Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
You Might Also Like
Cool shirt 🙂
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going