Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
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Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”