[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
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I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.