Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
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[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
when nothing goes right… go left
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.