Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
You Might Also Like
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.