Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
kitchen magnet
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe