Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
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I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not