Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
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I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life