After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
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“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
This is no longer winter this is harassment
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.