This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
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I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
😅🤣😂
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Nothing.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works