I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
How to properly lift a body
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The Punning Dead.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.