How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?