visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Just why bro?!
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying