Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine