Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
LA today:
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.