Travel bloggers during quarantine
You Might Also Like
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My sex drive has a dui
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…