Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
You Might Also Like
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.