Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
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Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”