When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
this is the news I live for
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back