I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
You Might Also Like
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Great game to play with friends
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*