I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
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[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Big Sex has us all fooled