So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
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1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
*Seductively hides in the woods
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream