If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Dietest Coke
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Me: Same
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake