“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
#parenting
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*