imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
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The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Hmmmmm
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.