Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I cannot call her anything else now
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
u spoke cat all this time??????
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management