If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
You Might Also Like
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
WHY?!
me when the borders lift
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Note to self: I am a note
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I know this now 😂