I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
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You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.