One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
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Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
bout dat hot dog summer
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Admin smashed it 😂
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered