5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I cannot call her anything else now
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: