I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
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Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Do not steal food from the science building!
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.