After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.