We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
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You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess