the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Yup
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?