How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
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Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton